Holding Back and Letting Go

There I was, 1:38 in the morning, standing in a thunderstorm. As the lightening flashes, everything on my mind appeared through the blur. I felt the rush as the wind picked up and I finally saw the big picture. The contemplative thoughts I have, I have for a reason. I’m holding back and at the same time I am letting go. The two concepts contradict each other in certain situations, but not mine. As the water rolled down my face I felt as if I was free from worry. As I lifted my arms up and tilted my head back I felt this extravagant and overwhelming feeling of completion and being content with life. I know that I am where I am supposed to be in life.

There is one thing on my mind, day and night, that I can not openly discuss because what I want to say and what I do say may seem as if they are two different things. This is not the case at all but when I hold back emotions and I say things to circle around these emotions, I may end up leaving everything behind with a lot of confusion and that is what scares me. I don’t want to end up losing this newly found happiness, how can I avoid this? Perhaps I am letting my fear, losing someone I care a great deal about, get the best of me.

I have struggled with this blog for five days. Those were the longest, desperate, most anxious and uncertain five days I have felt in a very long time. After a lot of thought, a few actions and words with comforting friends, this is my blog, “the blog”:

My heart is currently aching for various reasons. My move to Pennsylvania is a big factor of this. I am moving away from what and who I know. I am taking away the one chance I may ever have to get to know my father, to better the life for me and Kaley. I can only hope that he, and everyone else, understands. This move is a big step for Kaley, as well as, myself. Moving with my mother will be a great experience for Kaley. Yes, we lived with my mother before but Kaley vaguely remembers any of it. I want my mother and Kaley to have a relationship like no other. I guess it is time for me to let go of what I have grown to love and be comfortable with. It’s time for a change of pace in life.

I find myself falling for someone that I care a great deal about. Surprisingly, I have never felt this way before, ever. In a way I am having a hard time understanding some of the emotions that rush through me so I just endure them as they come. Each day these emotions grow stronger as I grow fonder and each day I find myself lost in thought about life and happiness. That is, life and happiness with this person. I share my every thought with him and yet, I don’t. I tend to bite my tongue on certain things that hover in my mind. I guess you can say that my holding back is part of the waiting game. Why rush something that seems to be – perfect? I sometimes wonder if I have fallen into a comfort zone when it comes to holding back and hiding what’s really there. I know that waiting to see if, what I feel is real, is the best solution. I know that what I feel now, is more real than anything else at this point but when it comes down to it, it may be a façade. I just hope that it isn’t. This experience has defined and justified who I truly am deep down inside, to myself.

I am worried about my brother. Since the news of us moving it has seemed as though he is a little sad. Jimmy knows of my love of music and he understands how I can communicate to others with the use of lyrics and notes. Earlier this evening he had shared a song with me, which is not like him. This song said a lot to me and instantly I broke down in to tears. I worry that he will be alone and become depressed. Much like how I had become and it took me years to climb out of that rut. Growing up I didn’t have much of a relationship with him. He wasn’t around much as he lived with his father for a while. Many, many years later we grew closer, with each witty remark and sharing all the laughter that we did, the relationship with my brother has established a family bond. I find myself wondering if he thinks that when I move away that our relationship will fade? I know that this will not be the case but the thought lingers, probably in both of our minds.

I will end this blog with saying this: I am grateful for my friends and family. Without any of you, I would be stuck in my usual rut filled with desperation and sadness. My black cloud has finally passed on and now my future is filled with sunny days of life, love, family, friends, hope and faith. I can’t express my thanks to the many of you who were there for me over the years. I was in limbo and now I’m soaring free. I made a transition in my life that reciprocated my mentality. Life is good. I realize that I can only live it once and I will do just that. My heart is sitting on go and in my mind I’m letting myself go as I hold back.